ADHD Spotlight: 7½ Things to Know About Masking
If you’re neurodivergent or know someone who is, you’ve probably heard the term masking.
People with ADHD will often develop a “mask” that they wear in certain situations, such as at work, which camouflages the most visible traits of the disorder. For example, they might avoid repetitive motions like leg bouncing or pen clicking because those behaviors might annoy other people, or changing their tone of voice to sound more animated.
To others, it may look as though the ADHDer is intentionally creating a social “persona” (or personas) or playing a part. But ADHD masking behavior is learned early and ingrained deeply; in fact, some people mask their ADHD so well and for so long that they’ve forgotten who they are without it.
Although it ostensibly developed to keep one safe, ADHD masking can cause struggles, confusion, and misunderstandings in the life of the sufferer. But with enough time and acceptance, it is possible to shed the mask.
If you or a loved one has ADHD, here are some things to know:
1. Masking can take on many forms
ADHD masking involves behaviors used in a social context that help someone with ADHD disguise their symptoms and traits, such as:
- Mimicking or being conscious of your facial expressions
- Study social interactions to learn how to respond appropriately
- Suppressing stimming behaviors
- Mimicking or copying accents (usually unintentionally)
- Scripting conversations
- Avoiding talking about special interests
- Pretending that sensory assaults don’t bother you
2. Masking is learned early
Gradually we got the message — don’t act like that, it’s weird.
ADHD kids have less impulse control than others. Hyperactivity, often internalized as racing thoughts, can be a factor. Stimming and/or body-focused repetitive behaviors are common. And while there really isn’t a deficit of attention, it is hard to control.
The upshot is a lot of behaviors that, although natural to us, were deemed “socially unacceptable” when we were growing up. If you grew up with ADHD (whether you knew it or not) you might have heard these phrases from adults and peers:
- “Sit still!”
- “Stop fidgeting!”
- “Pay attention”
- “Don’t interrupt”
- “Make eye contact”
- “Don’t talk so much”
- “Don’t be so sensitive”
Gradually we got the message — don’t act like that, it’s weird. And so we learned to hide the weirdness so that we could blend in with everyone else.
It should be noted that in light of all of this, masking is also considered a trauma response. As children (and sometimes as adults) we learned that being our true selves was not okay— it wasn’t psychologically safe. The mask then developed as a survival tool; a way to fit in and feel safe.
3. Masking can leave you exhausted
Masking, or essentially pretending to be somebody else entirely, requires performance — you have to be “on” all the time, lest the mask slip. It’s no wonder that work and social situations are utterly exhausting for people with ADHD.
As Dr. Russell Barkley describes, people with ADHD have a smaller “energy tank” than other people. “Every time you use an executive function and you use it continually, you empty the tank,” he says. “And if you get the bottom of the tank, in the next situation, you will have no self-control.” This is why people with ADHD are often utterly exhausted when they come home from school or work.
4. There is probably more than one mask
In fact, you may find that you have different “versions” of the mask depending on who you’re with. You might be completely masked at work or school, for example, but only partially masked around your parents.
The fact that the mask changes with context can confuse others if they don’t understand the process, leading them to wonder whether you can be a different person at will. This isn’t the case, and it can lead to misunderstanding.
Imagine, for example, a woman with ADHD bringing her partner to a work-related social function. Unless she’s familiar enough with her symptoms and has explained them to him, he might be shocked to see her interact with this group of people, because she can seemingly “play a part” so skillfully. He may even feel jealous or that he’s missing out — “why is she so bubbly and engaged with them? She never acts this interested in me,” he might think. He may even resent her “choice” to act “better” around others. “Am I not good enough for the performance, too?” he may think.
Little does he know that she could hardly act otherwise. In this situation, the partner’s reactions don’t match the ADHD woman’s feelings; the “customer service” persona she adopts around work colleagues is actually a sign that she feels less comfortable around them than she does with her partner.
5. Unmasking is a sign of safety
If there’s one thing that almost all ADHDers share, it’s the feeling of being misunderstood — of not being seen.
In the above example, the husband may feel jilted that his wife’s “worst” behavior seems to be reserved for him alone. But although unmasking can be a mixed bag, it should be taken as a compliment — if an ADHDer unmasks around you it means you make them feel secure enough to just be themselves.
ADHD endows us with many wonderful qualities, but it also has its demons. Impulsivity, lack of inhibition, and low frustration tolerance can all lead us to pop off or say something hurtful to someone we love. An ADHDer can throw a frustrated tantrum in front of their closest loved ones because they don’t feel inhibited; they feel safe because they know that around loved ones, their behavior won’t result in judgment, rejection, or abandonment.
The same behavior in front of a boss, however, could clearly carry much more heinous consequences.
The psychological safety felt by an ADHDer who can comfortably unmask should not be underestimated. If there’s one thing that almost all ADHDers share, it’s the feeling of being misunderstood — of not being seen. We so desperately want to accepted and appreciated for who we actually are, not for the mask that we’re so often forced to wear.
6. Masking can delay diagnosis
Not everyone with ADHD is able to fully mask, especially if the disorder is severe. But for those so-called “high functioning” ADHDers, the mask may have been constructed so well during childhood, that it masks all symptoms of the disorder and prevents or delays diagnosis.
Often, ADHD doesn’t “appear” until adulthood, but experts believe the disorder is essentially present from birth. Sometimes a child with ADHD does well in school, either due to added supports, less severe traits, the outside structure that school provides, or simple interest in learning. But once in the real world, without added structure, the deficits that were hidden by the mask and inadvertent accommodations begin to reveal themselves.
It’s not uncommon for adults to go decades without a diagnosis, thanks to successful masking. It’s often when they learn of ADHD through a friend, coworker, or otherwise that they start to question their own behaviors. Many times, parents helping their own child through a diagnosis may suddenly connect the dots that have been there all along, hidden behind the mask.
7. Masking can be unlearned, but it’s a process
ADHD masking is often misunderstood as an act or ruse, or compared to neurotypical behavior such as “being on one’s best behavior” around Grandma, for example. But to reiterate, removing the mask is easier said than done.
As with most learned behaviors, masking is subject to the process of “extinction,” or an unlearning of previously ingrained behavior. Take the example of a new dog owner adopting a rescue animal that was previously abused. No matter how kind, gentle, and approachable this new owner is, the dog will understandably still be fearful and anxious at first. The dog has a lot of previous learning telling her that humans can hurt you — it takes time (and a lot of positive examples) for the extinction of this association.
Likewise, just telling an ADHDer that they’re safe around you and can unmask simply won’t work, at least right away. Humans use the same part of the brain in the same way as the dog does to process reactions and learned behavior. Even we have a cortex for rational thought whereas the dog does not, this older part of the brain, deeply connected to affect and emotions, has the upper hand.
For someone to fully unmask, they need to feel safe; they need to know, by observing your actions and behaviors, that there won’t be negative consequences to being oneself. The more that you can show real acceptance, the more the ADHDer will be able to unmask.
7.5. A slightly tangential note about ADHD, autism, and masking:
The ADHD community is inextricably (and possibly inexplicably) connected to the Autism community, and masking is a topic that tends to affect both groups, although possibly in slightly different ways.
The process of masking and even the term itself have become a hot-button topic of late, with some in the autism community asserting that the term should be reserved for ASD and that ADHD “masking” isn’t the same as autistic masking. Some have called it the same behavior done for different reasons.
I have no desire to fuel that fire, but I want to clarify my own perspective.
First of all, regardless of whatever condition or combination of conditions one has, everyone’s experience with masking will be unique. This summary is the result of my own scientific research, anecdotal experiences of those who struggle with ADHD, and my own experience. The latter includes more than 15 years of personal experience living with and trying to understand ADHD, as well as insights from therapists and experts in the field who have taught me along the way.
As for my own experience, I should note that while I’m confident in my diagnosis of ADHD (which occurred 15 years ago) and speak primarily from that perspective, many of my symptoms aren’t fully explained by ADHD alone. I believe it’s possible if not likely that I am also autistic, but have not yet sought a formal diagnosis.
As a result, I’m still learning how to understand my own behavior and experiences. What I’ve presented as a purely ADHD experience may be just that, or it might intersect with ASD, my own personal interpretations, or both.
What are your thoughts, experiences, or comments about ADHD and masking? If you’re neurodivergent, how does masking show up for you? If you’re neurotypical and know someone with ADHD or ASD, what’s your experience with the mask? I’d love to hear your own experiences.
